I want a second wife – interview with Abu Adil

Why men want a second wife

Some men love women; we know they have a weakness for the. This is one of the reasons why polygyny was still allowed to continue within Islamic parameters.  A second wife (or more) can help smooth out any fine lines that a husband has in his first marriage. She can give the husband the balance he needs, therefore promoting harmony with all parties involved. This sounds very male oriented, but the truth is  men can sometimes be big babies. They constantly need attention and if you are a mother with children (especially young children), you may often be too knackered and drained to want to take care of them all the time.

I’ve heard a lot of arguments against polygyny by women. However, I haven’t really had the chance to interview a man before and ask him why he wants multiple wives. In the spirit of fairness I thought I would interview one and find out.

 

“Why do you want a second wife?”

Abu Adil:

“I have always been inclined towards it [polygyny], as the messenger (sallallaahu alayhi wassalam) loved women and so do I. 

Being brought up in the west, polygyny is always going to be a taboo topic and relationships are deemed to only be in a monogamous (accepted) state. Click To Tweet

So generally sisters brought up in the west or in a culture where it isn’t the norm, will most likely not succumb to it easily or at all.  If any woman reflects over it deeply they’ll see that it’s a mercy from Allah upon them; as the woman doesn’t want her husband around ALL the time, she likes her quiet moments to herself. Everybody has a lazy day(s) and if the hubby is expecting whatever, and doesn’t get or see that it can cause tension, etc.  But if there are days when he is absent she has time to prepare herself, the home, the kids, whatever, without any pressure.   For me, when I go away for a few days or couple of weeks and I come back home the statement ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ becomes a reality.”

 

“Is having a second wife really all about lust and is it hard for men or just us women?”

“From those who are in such relationships, they’ve told me it is hard. But the hard is what makes it great!  Maintaining one family isn’t a walk in the park (as I always tell those younger or bachelor bros) so how about 2 or more?  But all strength lies with Allah.  As I said before, if sisters/women reflected over it then they would see it as a mercy for them.  Allah is most kind to his slaves and wants ease for us, NEVER difficulty.  So yes, they [women] do get a fair deal, as long as the husband knows and understands his role.  But, saying that, it does take two to tango, so the sister/wife must cooperate in doing good.

Being the bread winner and maintainer of the family isn’t an easy role to fulfil. Plus the being fair policy is very demanding. Emotions we can’t control. Aisha (ra) wasn’t jealous of any woman more than Khadijah (ra) and she wasn’t even alive! He, (sallallaahu alayhi wassalam ) even clearly expressed his love for Aisha (ra) more than anyone else. But he was still fair and just with them all, to the extent that his other wives knew how much he loved Aisha (ra) but never complained about it while he was with them as they were content with him.  If the companions state that they used to feel like the messenger was giving his undivided attention to them while with him, even though others were present, then how about when he was alone with his wives?!

 

“Would you be content with just a second wife or do you want more?”

Realistically I couldn’t handle 4 (and Allah knows best) but I think 3 would be my limit. Some brothers I know are living that life as I type, each has a different story.  Men love to love and women love to be loved.

I have friends who have a second wife or even 3 wives and all of them say, “…if your time-management sucks, then forget about it…” Which I totally agree with and they also emphasise that it’s not about the physical side to it, as that becomes duty bound instead of a desire, as you may be exhausted from a day’s work but your wife isn’t! For me it’s more than that, it’s being loved…”

 

“Do men want to marry single mothers as a second wife?”

“[My expectations are] someone who has more practical experience of being both a mum and wife, who has learnt from her previous relationship, with that she’s wiser and stronger, more loving and patient. A previously unmarried woman is an empty book.  She won’t have anything to refer back to for reference except what she has had practical experience in via her upbringing.  But that will never have the same taste as her own marriage.  So [I would expect a single mum to be] more insightful.  It’s not a good deal that the sisters who are single mums get.  I do empathise with them, but I know single bros who will take on the challenge of a ready-made family.  If you look hard enough and are patiently persistent enough, you could find one. 

Single mums aren’t damaged goods.  They’re diamonds that weren’t valued properly.  Anyone who values their own mother and knows her status will equally respect and value a woman who is a mother.

We all need some TLC. As that’s how we’ve been created.  They [single mums] may have barriers as they may have come out of an abusive (mental or physical) marriage.  Women scarred may be fierier than those not.  But this is probably due to not letting go of old habits, if the new man is good, then time will heal that wound, inshaa Allah.  This can be overcome with patience and advice (after dua’).”

 

Polygyny and becoming a second wife isn’t for everyone.  The beauty of polygyny is that single mothers/divorcees /widows are catered for. Left alone, life can be very tough and lonely for some of them. Polygyny safeguards these women so they can still have their haqq and not be left on the shelf. It lets them concentrate on motherhood without the burden of going to work and working hours that affects their children.  Polygyny, if gone into with the right conditions can be a blessing.

I'd love to hear your thoughts - please drop me a comment below!